me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad