me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”