me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.