Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.