Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

We’ve all been there…

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.