Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Hank is one in a melon.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.