Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

😅🤣😂

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,