Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

Super Hand Dog Face

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings