Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?