ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
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My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Just organising my finances.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.