Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Watching Terminator back in the 80s: This is such a cool fictional story!

In 2025: Shit.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.