Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
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“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
*ernest hemingway voice*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does