Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

Guys which shade of gery should I get

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff