ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.