Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never