Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

i wish i could marry a nap

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”