Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.