Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.