Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything