Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.