Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

Smile they said.

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

even bears disappoint their mothers

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.