Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Cake safety first. Always.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”