Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
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girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.