Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
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Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation