me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
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“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.