Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

lol

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?