Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
You Might Also Like
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Who did it better?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?