Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.