Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

podcasts

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope