Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

boat question

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.