Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

certified hallow’s eve classic

I didn’t come here to be called names

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”