Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Alexa turn off the planet

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.