me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
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Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon