me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
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My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
tourist season
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?