me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Already got one
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?