Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

I think this should do it.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food