Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.