Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
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Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
placebo pills? more like sike meds
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Simple enough.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you