Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

found this cool rock hiking today