Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
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[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Yes 😂
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
