Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

(2022)

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

this country is so goddamn polarized

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

Become a minion. Get that bread.

making my dog give me my pills

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”