Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

💀💀

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?