Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
There is no “we” in pizza
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.