ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
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Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Merica.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Pretty certain I can more drunk
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up