Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*