Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up