Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know