me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
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The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Teach your children to beatbox
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
the short answer to this question
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I am all good here, 😂😉
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂