me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down