me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
You Might Also Like
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
The future is now.