me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
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Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?