Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Lmfaoooooo

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.