Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Stick it to the man

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus