Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

What kind of a cult is this?

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

Whoops

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

Eating for two.