ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
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Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄