Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here