Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

😉😝

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

Rude much 😂😂😂

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.