Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.