Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
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Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
This is my emotional support knife.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
“no gods no masters” = leo
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?