Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

This is hilarious….