Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

time for some seasonal decor

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain