Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

😆

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.