Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
You Might Also Like
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Oh deer
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”