Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
You Might Also Like
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
when unicorns get really drunk
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?