Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
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“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha