Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”