Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

🌱🌱🌱

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

*files a restraining order against reality*

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho