Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

same but as an audience member