@daemonic3

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

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@PinkCamoTO

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

@AHundredElbows

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

@TweetsByTheTony

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

@LittleMissAngr1

I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.

@Parkerlawyer

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

@RickAaron

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

@junejuly12

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

@cloudypianos

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

@AmericanGent69

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?