Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this isn’t threatening at all

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head