Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done