Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

yes yes a thousand times yes!

what could possibly go wrong?

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!