Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.