Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
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(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Haha good job!!
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name