ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
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Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My background check bounced.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
How wrong was this guy?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.