ME: I got you a therapy cat


ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

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robert downey jr is literally a trained dancer and yet this is the only move he does


Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.


DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning

BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead


The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.


4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.


ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?


I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.