ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?