@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

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@starksyndrome

robert downey jr is literally a trained dancer and yet this is the only move he does

@sbrooks13

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

@drknstormynite

DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning

BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead

@Maxine12333

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

@lisaxy424

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

@Contwixt

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

@markhoppus

I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.