robert downey jr is literally a trained dancer and yet this is the only move he does
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning
BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.